2020 & a new adventure!
2020 is here. It's day 2 (3?) and I've already left the country.
I haven't had too much time to think, process, evaluate, or dream about 2020. When I started 2019, I remember feeling like I was in a fog. My brain felt full of shit and negative thoughts and I couldn't connect with anything around me. I didn't know that fog was actually a big fat word called D E P R E S S I O N, but I knew it terrified me. I knew I needed to find a way back to the happy fearless me who could hop on a plane and travel the world whenever she wanted. On a deeper level, I also knew I just needed to spend some time alone and uncomfortably, intentionally alone. No distractions. No running. And truly, as good as 2019 was, it was mostly uncomfortable. It was unnatural. I deleted my Instagram for a bit. I quit drinking. I can only remember one time I was too drunk to drive home. I worked out for the first time in 3 years. I had anxiety attack after anxiety attack but rather than running, I handled it. I hated the anxiety inside me for so long. With every anxiety attack I felt like my body was betraying me, like I was doing something wrong. I wanted it OUT and gone, but I think gradually, I started to accept it. The thought still terrifies me that this could be something that will always be a a part of me, and I may never be "normal" and anxiety free again, but I'm working towards a healthy me that includes a side of anxiety.
2020. I don't know what I want of it. I don't want to put any expectations on this year. I did a lot of work in 2019 and I think my overall vibe for 2020 is just wanting to enjoy it. No pressure. Continue what I started. Keep working towards finding me again buried in anxiety and doubt.
So far, my journey to Antartica has consisted of a 2 hour drive to Spokane with Dad, a 2 hour flight to Sacramento, meeting a woman named Donna on my flight who was ALSO going to Antartica and told me only 50,000 people per year go to Antartica so we are probably the only 2 people in the world from north Idaho going to Antartica, and a hideously bumpy flight to LAX. My friend-bride Alex picked me up and I spent a glorious night and day on her couch watching television and eating cinnamon rolls and pizza. She took me to In N Out and drove me to and from LAX twice within a 24 hour period.
Currently I'm in PANAMA! Panama. Like a brand new freaking part of the world that is completely unknown to me. I had a moment with Panama this morning. After dreading my upcoming flight for WEEKS now, I have been desperately hoping for this part of the trip to get over with. Just get me to Santiago already, you know? I forgot to allow myself any joy or excitement being on the plane flying over new places.
I fell asleep around hour 3 of my flight with The Proposal playing as background noise and my Tylenol PM was kicking in strong. I fell asleep for a couple hours and woke up just before the ding indicating we were going to start descending. The plane's lights were low so it felt like I was the only one awake with a full view of Panama waking up in front of me. I watched the sun come up over the horizon and right in front of me unmistakably was the Panama Canal. It was unreal. It's probably the craziest sensation I feel when I'm traveling. It's happened a few times. That moment when I'm staring at something I've read about and seen photos of and recognize without even knowing I am in front of it. Did I know I'd be flying over the Panama Canal? No. But there it was. I knew it. And for a few minutes.... I felt her. I felt like me again. I was wide awake again. The person who was crying in her seat holding onto the arm rests asking why the hell she decided to fly 36 hours across the globe landing in LAX was gone, replaced by just me. I forgot how much I love this. This feeling. Of looking out a plane window of something completely foreign and brand new to me knowing there are thousands of people I've never met below me, new smells, new food, new everything. I feel like the purest most raw version of myself when I'm staring at something brand new.
Yup. I'm here.
I honestly have no idea what is going to happen in the next month. It feels big. It feels necessary in a way I can't put my finger on. One month. It feels like a start of something I don't know yet.
I haven't had too much time to think, process, evaluate, or dream about 2020. When I started 2019, I remember feeling like I was in a fog. My brain felt full of shit and negative thoughts and I couldn't connect with anything around me. I didn't know that fog was actually a big fat word called D E P R E S S I O N, but I knew it terrified me. I knew I needed to find a way back to the happy fearless me who could hop on a plane and travel the world whenever she wanted. On a deeper level, I also knew I just needed to spend some time alone and uncomfortably, intentionally alone. No distractions. No running. And truly, as good as 2019 was, it was mostly uncomfortable. It was unnatural. I deleted my Instagram for a bit. I quit drinking. I can only remember one time I was too drunk to drive home. I worked out for the first time in 3 years. I had anxiety attack after anxiety attack but rather than running, I handled it. I hated the anxiety inside me for so long. With every anxiety attack I felt like my body was betraying me, like I was doing something wrong. I wanted it OUT and gone, but I think gradually, I started to accept it. The thought still terrifies me that this could be something that will always be a a part of me, and I may never be "normal" and anxiety free again, but I'm working towards a healthy me that includes a side of anxiety.
2020. I don't know what I want of it. I don't want to put any expectations on this year. I did a lot of work in 2019 and I think my overall vibe for 2020 is just wanting to enjoy it. No pressure. Continue what I started. Keep working towards finding me again buried in anxiety and doubt.
So far, my journey to Antartica has consisted of a 2 hour drive to Spokane with Dad, a 2 hour flight to Sacramento, meeting a woman named Donna on my flight who was ALSO going to Antartica and told me only 50,000 people per year go to Antartica so we are probably the only 2 people in the world from north Idaho going to Antartica, and a hideously bumpy flight to LAX. My friend-bride Alex picked me up and I spent a glorious night and day on her couch watching television and eating cinnamon rolls and pizza. She took me to In N Out and drove me to and from LAX twice within a 24 hour period.
Currently I'm in PANAMA! Panama. Like a brand new freaking part of the world that is completely unknown to me. I had a moment with Panama this morning. After dreading my upcoming flight for WEEKS now, I have been desperately hoping for this part of the trip to get over with. Just get me to Santiago already, you know? I forgot to allow myself any joy or excitement being on the plane flying over new places.
I fell asleep around hour 3 of my flight with The Proposal playing as background noise and my Tylenol PM was kicking in strong. I fell asleep for a couple hours and woke up just before the ding indicating we were going to start descending. The plane's lights were low so it felt like I was the only one awake with a full view of Panama waking up in front of me. I watched the sun come up over the horizon and right in front of me unmistakably was the Panama Canal. It was unreal. It's probably the craziest sensation I feel when I'm traveling. It's happened a few times. That moment when I'm staring at something I've read about and seen photos of and recognize without even knowing I am in front of it. Did I know I'd be flying over the Panama Canal? No. But there it was. I knew it. And for a few minutes.... I felt her. I felt like me again. I was wide awake again. The person who was crying in her seat holding onto the arm rests asking why the hell she decided to fly 36 hours across the globe landing in LAX was gone, replaced by just me. I forgot how much I love this. This feeling. Of looking out a plane window of something completely foreign and brand new to me knowing there are thousands of people I've never met below me, new smells, new food, new everything. I feel like the purest most raw version of myself when I'm staring at something brand new.
Yup. I'm here.
I honestly have no idea what is going to happen in the next month. It feels big. It feels necessary in a way I can't put my finger on. One month. It feels like a start of something I don't know yet.
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